Life is short. BUY THE SHOES.
It’s no secret that I love shoes. I have a relationship with my shoes, to the point where they cheer me up when I’m having a bad day and can just as easily bring me to the depths of despair. They listen to my woes, coddle my feet when they need coddling, and occasionally attack my tootsies with a torrent of blisters not known this side up of purgatory. But I always forgive them, so deep is our love for each other.
I had a conversation with a male friend awhile back while we were locked away for several hours acquiring MRI scans of fishes. The topic of conversation started with science and very quickly devolved down to the fundamental differences between men and women. He scrunched up his face and queried, ever so eloquently, “Okay, what is UP with you women and shoes?”
I laughed, but realized he was serious. He really wanted to know. And despite the piles of comic books I knew existed in his apartment and the game consoles he was oddly attached to, he still had no concept of why innocent pieces of leather and satin could carry with them so much gravitas. The graveyard of past relationships littered his feet and still the answer to this question eluded him. And so I divulged the secret.
Brace yourself, should I have any male readers. I’m about to share a secret that goes back to the origins of women. Seriously, I could be kicked out of the Women Club for sharing this, all privileges revoked. Shunned from my fellow sisters of footwear. What I’m about to say will rock your world.
Shoes. Always. Fit.
Gentlemen, I shall wait for your world to stop rocking.
As I said this to my friend, I watched his expression go from confusion to contemplation to dawning comprehension. As if a lightbulb went on over his head and the woes of years of exasperated girlfriend’s suddenly made sense. I swear I saw the entirety of his dating history, queries of “does my butt look big in this” and the tears of sisters weeping over jeans that would not button flash before his eyes.
“Shoes always fit. Whoa. Shoes always FIT!” And it was as if I just told him the secret to the universe. And then we went back to science as if nothing had happened. But I could tell he was shaken. His next girlfriend will thank me.
Think about this ladies – shoes always fit. Yes, shoes are beautiful and come in all colors, some with intricate beading and embroidery. They put a sass in our step and a swing in our hips. They simply make us happy. But I firmly believe the fundamental truth behind the bond between Woman and Shoe is their reliability. They don’t mind if we gain a few pounds. We won’t suddenly see an area of foot bulging where it didn’t dare to bulge yesterday. Irrespective of a bad hair day or under eye circles, those shoes will stay just as fabulous. Buttons may pop, hems unravel, hair tumble out of clips and into your coffee, but like a faithful friend, your shoes are always ready grace the day with the same sparkle and attitude as yesterday, as last year.
Back when Mr. Dressed Aesthetic and I were first dating (we were pretty goggly eyed right from the start and I knew he was The One in a week. But I didn’t tell him right away. Shhh…no need for him to know his powers of wooing). Anyway, there are certain deal breakers in any relationship. Certain places where you compromise and certain important issues you won’t budge on. We discussed all of these things over the course of our dateship: Money. Religion. Kids. Footwear.
Make no mistake, these are important topics, and my darling would-be hubby knew that I came with a few unique quirks. In addition to my ability to raise one eyebrow and love of a smokey single malt, I came complete with a job that might necessitate travel (global travel, mind), a ginger cat with a proclivity for vomit, and a bulging, ever-expanding wardrobe that would need a place to live (and an app to organize it! But that would come later…).
So, one night my Mister and I were having one of those deep and meaningful couple conversations. How do I love thee. Let me count the ways. The promises we wanted to make to each other. And on that fateful night, we made a promise to each other than I am convinced is the glue that holds our marriage together. Newlyweds, listen up.
He looked deep into my eyes and swore, “I will never ask you…” Fists clenched in sincerity,
“Do you REALLY need another pair of shoes?”
And with just as much commitment and love, I stared back at my beloved and swore with an eloquence I didn’t know I possessed, “And I….will never ask you…” deep breath as I said words I may live to regret one day,
“Do you really need the newest iPhone?”
Because, friends, man or woman, the answer is always yes.
And they lived happily ever after….